The list contains very few films with a straightforward conservative message. The Lord of the Rings and Braveheart, for example, are undeniably conservative, considering the talent behind the source material (J.R.R. Tolkein was unabashadly conservative, and Mel Gibson is... well, Mel Gibson). But to claim that Groundhog Day, which was directed by a liberal Jew and starred one of Hollywood's most liberal comedians, is a conservative comedic opus is a perfect example of how many conservatives fail to actually catch the true messages behind the movies they are watching. They see a bomb blast in the dystopian Brazil and automatically equate that act of terrorism with liberalism, then equate the entire dystopian future presented in Terry Gilliam's fantasy epic as what a socialist state would undoubtedly be like. Never mind, of course, that some of what we see in this film-- governments policing its people and preventing free speech and expression-- were equivocal to many of the steps the Bush administration took after September 11, and that this film takes place in the distant future, without reference to any one political movement. Meanwhile, Trey Parker and Matt Stone insinuate that Sean Penn and Tim Robbins are "fags" while mocking Kim Jong-Il with racism in Team America, which automatically makes that movie a conservative masterpiece-- even though Parker and Stone have said repeatedly that the film mocks both liberals and conservatives and how they react to national security.
So, today, instead of seeking out a particular person or group worthy of reprimand, I thought it would be fun to do something different. I have compiled a list of the "Ten Bestest, Most Conservativist Movies Ever" that the National Review just plain forgot about when compiling their list last year. I encourage you to read the original list which is linked above before reading mine. I also encourage you to realize that THIS IS SATIRE. I am not a conservative, nor is any of what I write below representative of my own personal views. It is meant to mock much of what was in that original article, parodying the essence of multiple arguments presented in the original National Review article.
So, without further ado, here is the list:
THE BIG LEBOWSKI (1998)
On the onset, this Coen Brothers movie—which features an artistic character proud of her femininity and a main character who smokes marijuana all the time—does not appear to be an ideal conservative film. However, the film contains multiple plotlines, and as long as you disregard the yucky liberal characters (in fact, I’d even call them caricatures of liberals, which means they’re ay-okay since they mock what it’s like to be a drug user and a woman), you can find some deeply conservative messages therein. John Goodman’s Walter Sobchak is a true conservative character, someone who is proud to be a Vietnam War veteran (you don’t see that in any Oliver Stone movies, do you?) and is willing to resort to drastic measures resulting in the threat of gun violence and property damage just to make sure people are willing to stick to the rules. Meanwhile, the Big Lebowski himself is a wealthy man who loves stealing from impoverished children and passing the blame onto others—like those radical foreign nihilists—showing us all that it is perfectly acceptable to lie and cheat so long as it doesn’t hurt the wealthy businessmen at the top..
BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN (2005)
Yeah, this is a film about two gay men. But it is also a film about the modern conservative movement. Have I lost you? Well, think about this: Ennis Del Mar (Heath Ledger) and Jack Twist (Jake Gyllenhaal) play two married men who go off and have romantic trysts with one another in the American West. That sounds an awful lot like Larry Craig and Jim Kolbe, don’t it? And Ennis Del Mar is downright abusive to Jack Twist, repulsed by the idea of maintaining a homosexual relationship throughout the course of the movie. You know what they say: It’s okay to be gay, just as long as you have sex with a woman on occasion. Or at least marry one in an effort to retain a heterosexual appearance. The differences between what it’s like to be a gay conservative and a gay liberal are quite apparent in the two main characters: Ennis Del Mar is the perfect embodiment of what a real conservative homosexual should be like—a closeted he-man who is afraid to admit his love for other men— while Jack Twist gets beaten to death in the end because he is too outgoing with his sexuality. Serves the proud little bastard right…
THE CRUCIBLE (1996)
If you don’t accept the Lord Jesus Christ and the messages within his Bible, then you deserve to hang for your sins. This movie showcases how it should be in America: Men who cheat on their wives and question their faith deserve to hang, while those who claim someone is un-Christian deserve the benefit of the doubt no matter how seemingly outlandish their claims are. After all, good Christians never lie, and this country would be so much better if everyone followed one set of beliefs and principles, no matter how impossible it may seem.
THE GOLDEN COMPASS (2007)
Hot on the heels of The Chronicles of Narnia, The Golden Compass is a rip-roaring fantasy adventure about a young girl who finds herself stuck in a world where intellectualism dominates her life. She is able to break free from the intellectual community, which throws her into an amazing fantasy adventure to dismantle an evil government entity which experiments on children. This is a movie that shows you don’t need to go to boring college to experience grand adventure, and a film that is adamantly against a nanny state, intellectual, research-based government which horrifically experiments on its people. Oh, and Nicole Kidman plays a character named “Mrs. Coulter,” adding to the deep conservative undertones of this whimsical fantasy adventure.
GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK (2005)
Edward R. Murrow is a trite little bastard, and this movie exposes him for what he really was: a liberal hack who was willing to bend the facts to attack Sen. Joseph McCarthy, who was a true American hero willing to get rid of the communist threat at any cost—even at the risk of his own reputation. Yes, George Clooney did a fabulous job portraying Joseph McCarthy as the wise patriotic sage he was. In fact, Clooney did a great service to McCarthy by using stock footage of him throughout the film, because no actor could capture the sheer American spirit which McCarthy embodied. Good Night is a true examination of the lengths the liberal media is willing to go to ruin the reputations of brilliant, heroic men like McCarthy.
HOSTEL (2005)
Torture is awesome. Who can call a movie which glamorizes torture and murder anything but “good?” I know I sure can’t. Yes, if this Hostel was in America, and the Americans had a different skin tone, why, this would be a great American movie which would vindicate waterboarding and other “extraordinary rendition” techniques conducted during the Bush administration. Sometimes, I like to put the volume on “mute” and make up my own dialogue, pretending that the Dutch businessman is an American soldier and that guy who gets his pectorals drilled out is a Muslim terrorist. Now that’s conservative entertainment!
MILK (2008)
Say what you will about that liberal jerk Sean Penn, but he certainly embodies an ideal conservative in this 2008 biopic of some queer city councilman from San Francisco. Ignoring the queerness of it, Milk is about a man who hates the oppressive government regime he lives under and is willing to take to the streets and start a revolution to overthrow some of the horrible laws which discriminate against gay people. “We can have a revolution here,” Milk quips during one of his campaigns to stop some law or something. And all the gay people rise up and fight against tyranny, in the name of the Constitution. Who knew queers could be so conservative? I didn’t. And if you’re turned off by all the queer-o-sexuality in the film, just wait until the end. You get to see Sean Penn and the homosexual icon he plays get gunned down by the conservative, gun-slinging Josh Brolin. What a show!
ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO’S NEST (1975)
If you ever want to know what it is like to live in a “Nanny State,” then watch this movie. Nurse Ratchet is a perfect example of an evil socialist who treats all of her mental patients the same, giving them meds to subdue their emotions when they should, in fact, be allowed to do and say whatever they want to. Randall P. McMurphy is an example of the modern conservative, a man who is trapped in a liberal dystopia and tried to bring about a revolution overthrowing the tyrannical Ratchet and her cohorts. Like most conservatives, McMurphy is forced to endure grueling pain and suffering as he watches his friends voluntarily submit themselves to Ratchet’s horrors. And, like most liberals, Nurse Ratchet constantly seeks to silence McMurphy any way possible, going as far to lobotomize him in the end. This is what us conservatives face in the not-so-distant future, when Nurse Noobama forces us to take socialized medicine and involuntarily admits us to mental health facilities all across the country. They knew this was coming in the 1970s. We were warned. Now, we it’s just a matter of time until we must face the consequences of what happened this past November.
SONG OF THE SOUTH (1946)
Finally, a movie that shows us how blacks really felt during slavery. Contrary to today’s liberal revisionist history, blacks enjoyed being enslaved and even had enlightening friendships with their masters. Uncle Remus is a perfect example of a black man living as a slave in the South. He never moped, he never complained about being a slave, and could always be found whistlin’ tunes and tellin’ stories to all the bright young whippersnappers who came his way. He is neither apologetic nor upset about his situation; no, Uncle Remus just is who he is and doesn’t try to fix a thing. That’s how it should be in America—all races should know their place in society. All this talk of “civil rights” is just liberalized hogwash. Thank you, Walt Disney, for giving us a truly inspirational film about race which should be on the video shelf of every American household.
WAITRESS (2007)
Women should always stand by their men no matter how abusive or stupid they are as husbands. Period. This humble little film follows a Southern waitress as she prepares to give birth to her pending baby and contemplates leaving her abusive husband. Throughout the film, she knows her place in the relationship, as the submissive housewife who must always listen to what all men tell her to do. Andy Griffin has a small role in this film as a wise old man who, like senior GOP figures such as Newt Gingrich and Dick Cheney, pops up sporadically to offer feigned advice and petty criticisms about how our waitress heroine should live her life. And the best part? She eventually has the baby against her own personal wishes. The ending sucks a little, since she leaves her abusive husband; but hey, you don’t watch a movie for a happy ending, and sometimes, you have to take the bad with the good. The good, in this case, is a funny, heartwarming conservative indie that shows us women can be happy even if they aren't allowed to make many of their own choices.
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