Do you remember searching for that used two-string banjo you bought through CraigsList a few months ago? Remember when you contacted the seller, only to discover that he was a Prada-wearing, flag-burning homosexual with an "Obama '08" bumper sticker on his pink Prius? Don't you wish you had a place to go where you can buy and sell items among those who share similar conservative interests as you, where you won't have to buy goods from tax-loving, minority-friendly commie bastards? Well, now you can, thanks to GippersList, a conservative classifieds site similar to CraigsList, but without all those pesky liberals charging 10% sales tax and forcing you to convert to homosexual atheism with your purchase.
The founder of GippersList, whose name is not on the website, thought it was a swell idea to combine the model of CraigsList with the insanity of the modern conservative movement. Apparently, conservatives aren't already isolated enough from the real world by posting inane comments on the Politico forums or preparing themselves for their shipment to those re-edumacation camps Glenn Beck and Michelle Bachmann think are on the way, so they now need a place where they can buy and sell items exclusively to other conservative crackpots who share their pain. And boy, GippersList is a diamond among gems. Just take a look at some of the "Frequently" Asked Questions on the website:
What is GippersList?
GippersList is a place where conservatives can buy and sell goods and services. It’s for both businesses and individuals.
...Because CraigsList was never designed for both businesses and individuals, right?
How is GippersList different from other classified websites?
GippersList does not contain offensive categories. In addition, we have more communities included (and can easily add communities if there is enough demand) and more subcategories. In our opinion, it is much more user-friendly and intuitive.
First, CraigsList has PLENTY of communities and areas included in their directory. Yeah, Wyoming gets an entire category on its own, but do you know why CraigsList does that? Because no one lives in Wyoming. Why waste bandwidth by having separate categories for Laramie, Casper and Jackson Hole when users post less than one ad in each category every day? Second, what "offensive" material are they talking about? There are dating services on CraigsList, but if you don't want to read about horny daddies searching for college boys with stoma fetishes, you don't have to click on the relationship categories.
So, in other words, GippersList is different because it seeks to waste bandwidth and exclude homosexuals, unmarried teenagers, and other non-Christian monogamists.
How do I know that the person I'm really doing business with is really a conservative?
The million dollar question! There are no “litmus tests” and GippersList is “on your honor.” The publicity we are doing to promote GippersList is geared toward conservative unbiased and unbiased and conservative media outlets and the positioning is clear. That being said, to support our cause and “prove” that you are a conservative, we ask that all GippersList posters sport a GippersList bumper sticker on their vehicle or in their place of business. When you do a transaction—look for the bumper sticker and if you don’t see it…say something.
Brilliant! If you don't buy our crappy bumper sticker promoting our equally crappy business, you can't be a real conservative! Fear mongering, it seems, has drifted away from politics and into the business world. So remember kids, when buying your goods and services on GippersList, look for a GippersList bumper sticker on that 1992 rusted-out Ford Ranger (it will be next to the Confederate Flag sticker and right above the "It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve" magnet). Otherwise, the guy you're buying from might be a hidden closet socialist homosexual Muslim who will want to kidnap and rape you while shouting verses from the Q'uran and forcing you to watch an episode of Will & Grace.
Or, the answer to the above question should be fairly obvious: The only people who use GippersList are crackpot conservatives in the first place. Idiots...
And, finally, my favorite "Frequently" Asked Question:
Why Gipper?
It’s simple: we love Ronald Reagan. His life story proves that in America—anything is possible. And we will stop talking about him when the “other side” stops talking about JFK.
Us liberals don't spend every waking minute verbally fellating the rotting corpse of John F. Kennedy. Republicans, on the other hand, like to pretend that Ronald Reagan is still among the living. They like to slap Reagan's name on airports, highways, and parks-- some of which he had never been to, in states he never visited-- in some sort of morbid, eternal memorial that seems a tad bit cultish. See, Democrats don't spend every waking minute masturbating to newsreels of our former presidents, because we like to look to the future when selecting our leaders. That's why we never had the eight Democratic presidential candidates debate at a memorial to FDR, JFK or Harry Truman. No, we didn't invite Lady Bird Johnson to any of our debates, we didn't ask the question "What would Truman do?" during the presidential campaign. And we didn't squawk rabidly whenever one of our candidates disagreed with a fundamental policy from one of our earlier leaders.
Republicans, on the other hand, have dephiled Ronald Reagan's memory enough, and GippersList is perhaps the spitting image of delusional obsession taken to the max. If Ronald Reagan were alive today, and able to remember how to formulate a sentence, I'm certain he would denounce this website as utter trash. Why would he want his name associated to the backwards causes of a bunch of redneck extremists whose fear of a liberal America has caused them to create their own CraigsList-like website? If I were Reagan, I'd rise out of my grave and file a lawsuit.
But anyway, I would like to wish GippersList luck. You know, the next time I'm looking for used autoparts, and I desperately want that "tossed all over my front lawn" feeling from them, I may have to consider posting on this website. These people probably aren't all bad. They're just idiots living on the extremist fringe.
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